i'm too drunk to leave my room. poked my head out like a turtle and everyone knew i wasn't sober. i like it better in my nonjudgmental turtle shell anyway.
not sure if I should be concerned that my brother just stormed into my room and looked at me with a serious face and said, "I'm a peacock, you have to let me fly." oh, vicodin...
There was enough sluts here for 2 threesomes to happen at the same time, and you still struck out. What did you do to piss off karma so much?
In this town being related to a brewing family or the owner of a sports team is like being royalty. It's like hooking up with the queen's nephew or something.
You said dick pics aren't attractive
Random ones, from strangers, no. But a beautiful penis I know and love, absolutely :3
She said she's different now I guess anytime you get a bible tatt it automatically cancels out all the whoring you did for 10 years
I recently had a rabies scare because I thought putting socks on my hands to pick up a squirrel that got in my house was a good idea.
He'll only communicate through snapchat with pictures of him holding his cat or his dick. Bit of Russian roulette opening them in public but I did it anyway.
My Sundays are fucking awful. Can't get a blow job.....can't get a win.
My actions are not mine. They are the actions of Patron.
Dude my doctor just legit got down on her knees and loudly begged me to do my pap smear
It's such a sad loss when a hot guy finds Jesus and grows a neckbeard
You don't know the capacity of my vagina
It’s a dick. Seen one, seen em all. Unless it spews a fountain of tequila, I don’t need to see yours.
I finally selected an outfit that says "I'm not easy" but still shows off the tittays.
Randomize
