the police officer looked at my vomit and told me "milk was a bad choice"
You woke up in the middle of the night and told me we won the sweepstakes, the penis sweepstakes.
I like how you try to look sexy and just end up looking like a weird boy.
obviously he has no clue about college dating. it goes drunken sex then the 1st date
im really going to miss that car, so many blow jobs...
Her vagina smelt so bad I lied and told her that I was married just so that she would leave.
will barter weed for kareoke machine...
I just tipped the cab driver with pistachio nuts. And he loved it.
My drunken abilities have only improved since college....I can navigate the streets of chicago like no ones business, do push-ups to hail a taxi and instantly become an mma fighter after 3 shots of hennessy
Somehow those two combined like captain planet and shit went haywire
Dude imagine how many pictures of dicks Obama gets. That can't be unusual. Almost every kids in the US has written the president a letter.
Give me a minute. I'm trying to buy moonshine from a railroad worker named "Cowboy."
Nothing says I love you as your fiancé bringing back home your drunk brother from his own stag party
BRING THE BAGELS
I just wanted a bootycall and now somehow I'm at his parents playing dominoes. But they have tequila so it's cool
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