My Higher Power is John Stamos
It only happened twice. Once we used extra virgin olive oil and once I used saliva and brute force.
Just caught my bro jerking off to a lane Bryant catalog
My vagina is in bus station locker number 1465.You can go talk to it if u like -in the mean time I’m going 2show up drunk and embarrass u at work.
Its really not funny anymore. I need to stop shaving while i'm drunk
You should really come over right now. There's hot construction workers across the street. I'm gonna go pour beer on myself in a bikini on the sidewalk. See you in 5?
I thought you'd have died of alcohol poisoning years ago! How'd you get my number?
On second thought, trying to signify she was a butter face by wiping my bagel on her cheek may not have been in my best of interests
Come over, I want to eat cookie dough off your dick.
You did this to me with your delicious pizza and moonshine.
I'll forgive you once we're drunk again by noon.
Secondly, that waffle is lost for good. I have no fucking idea where that bitch is
the bar didnt serve shots so jim ordered us jaeger neat. it worked.
THINK! exactly how many raw eggs did you color and hide in my apt.
Let's get a hotel room this time. I really don't want to sleep in a Dennys parking lot again.
I just gave a fucking twenty minute blowiob.. I'm a GOOD girlfriend.
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