Call me Kermit cause I'm about to go piggin
someone is gonna have my baby tonight. they just dont know it yet
I'll alert the authorities
Just heard a guy discussing with someone else the amazing blow job you gave him. I’m in New York. Over 2 hours away from where you live. I have never been more proud.
i just heard someone have an orgasm and then throw up through the vent in my room.
I feel like I've been slapped by Gods icy cold dick of vengeance.
Please please please tell me that is not a pringles container full of pee that your little brother just got a hold of.....
that ring i bought was worth the 6 bucks. wore it to the bar, told some girl i was recently divorced and wasnt ready to take it off. just got laid. THRICE.
Well I found you sipping ron diaz out of a child's dinosaur cup while sticking your fingers in the guy's fish tank and watching the "pirahnas" snap at your finger and laughing
Shes sitting on the front porch puking in to the pumpkin she just carved...in the rain. I guess pumpkin spice tequila shots wasnt our best idea.
We have to have sex while I'm dressed as a tiger. It's one of my life goals
How on earth did you break your wrist?
I went into someone's yard so I could pee and I found a tireswing
Woke up this morning naked, wrapped in a bath mat with a wad of singles on the table. I'm calling it a win.
He sent me a text saying his breakfast today was leftover mead and some fruit salad
2020 sucks, I want a refund
I know you're having a really bad day and I'm a little to blame for that and I'm sorry. To make your day go better just try to imagine what people's fuck faces look like.
Randomize