I woke up to a bunch of college seniors jacking off a horse in my face. Geuss who didnt move in time?
Had sex to a Lionel Richie song. I have a feeling I was conceived to it. Finally reached full circle.
I just tried to sell my homemade "lightning bolt stencil for pubes" on Etsy.
I'm sorry i ruined our friendship with a boner
And then he tried to clean the throw up off my pants with 409
we probably should not get naked in my neighbor's garage again. just sayin
You slammed your face into the toilet and declared you were moving your bed into the bathroom in the morning. Also, you insisted on crawling everywhere because feet are "overrated."
I own a halfway home for drunk girls, this is my life
I just realized that the first thing he ever bought me was Plan B.
Nothing is working I'm going to die alone and on hold with a State Farm representative
I just want every freshman guy to know about Grindr just so I can have more options
Apparently at some point last night someone gave me tequila. There was a few shots left when I woke up so that was breakfast. This is a good birthday
Got with someone dressed up as Allen from the hangover so that's where I'm at in life
I walked into the bathroom and there's this 6'5" cop washing his hands. He looks at me and goes, "Heard you singing outside. Sound real pretty."
No more tequila EVER.
I think that's the first time I had "ass rimming" scroll across my phone at work
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