I wish we could go back in time and find our best farts ever
I just caught my mom fingering herself in the bathroom...Im moving out.
she'd have to be at LEAST a cup size bigger for me to even consider putting up with her voice
So I accidentally txted this girl with the same name as the one im seeing, as it turns out shes still dtf
He's trying to get everyone in the bathtub for a team meeting about how we're gonna find his car. Which is parked outside. Think we should cut him off?
We are probably going to have to use your boobs as currency to get this done
best friends dont let best friends get an STD of the eyeball just saying
You kept yelling "wood grain wheel" and grinding on fat chicks.
The hell is wrong with me
Just sayin. I pissed on his couch, and ruined his stove. If he's not mad, we're partying there every weekend...
the worst part was waking up this morning to his skrillex ringtone.....when was it ever okay for friends to let other friends go home WITH GUYS LIKE THAT!?
I seriously want to say to him "Do you know how many blow jobs you could have gotten this summer?"
My entire news feed is ice bucket challenges. I wish there was a hide from feed button like FarmVille
He smoked and I was tired so left before we did anything. I literally left him high and dry.
my goal is to never have a bac of 0.0 the whole time while in the state of florida, which means i have to chug a beer before i cross the state line
I let a 30 year old guitar player that works at a call center go down on me in his backseat last night
Randomize
