Why did you video tape me drying my boxers in the microwave?
I shaved my legs finally. I am starting to remember what my skin feels like.
I envy the lives of milf's kids, the little kid grabs her tits and she just laughs and says not now
I just figured out that you can toast a marshmallow with a butter knife and a cigarette lighter. I'm like a retarded Mister Wizard
His IQ level must rival that of a comatosed aardvark.
Every time I there's a break up, I'm left with an animal. That's it. No more mutual pets.
I had a girl last night tell me that she was happy to find a condom wrapper in my garbage because,and I quote, "well at least you're not raw dogging every slore that crosses your path"
For the record, just because I'm a mess doesn't mean I don't know what I'm talking about when I give you advice. I'm way better at other people's lives.
He told her Jesus wouldnt yell curse or degrade her. He'd just simply shake his head and slap the shit out of her
I woke up on his couch and my bra was flung across the floor and filled with animal crackers
You introduced her by saying, "This is the girl who sexes me." Then you passed out on the coffee table.
Just whisper "I fucked your boyfriend" in her ear and be done with it.
He has fairy lights round his bed.. And played Jamie cullum when we had sex... Hes batting for the other team right?
I don't know what else to tell you.. just listen to some taylor swift and you'll know what to do in the morning
I bet he’d be surprised by the epic blow job he’d get if he stopped talking about his wife long enough for me to get in the mood
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