I want to make a zoo with you.
just bought miller high life, hungry man dinners, and a bottle of lube. you win life, you win.
I don't smoke a lot but now and then I do. Weed and I are like still standing naked in a bathroom together deciding if we should blow one another or bolt for the exit. An awkward relationship.
um i just went through the in-n-out drive thru and meant to ask for my cheeseburger animal style. turns out what i actually said was, can i get that cheeseburger doggy style? been a rough weekend.
I got a chicken sandwich and a frosty out of her. Better then having sex
i havent thrown up in four monthes, im clearly not drinking enough
I love when I'm alone in the house. It's like pants were never invented.
dude chill. we stole 18 hamburgers from her house
no. you cant fuck a burger.
I feel like my lungs want to punch me in the vagina.
is that even a sentence?
Half of my brain feels like I donated it to science and they basically just poured jack Daniels on it and put out cigarettes into it before returning it to my skull
Im glad the only reason we got out of bed today was to get Halloween candy on sale.
I'll always remember 2012 as the year I hooked up with countless girls who had the sides of their heads shaved.
His dad gives me dirty looks whenever I come over though. I think it's because I eat his food and have sex with his son.
Just bumped into my ex. Blowing a dude in the ladies' room at Disney World. I guess it really was her not me.
The cat hopped on my bed and watched me masturbate naked with a vibrator. I've never felt more sorry in my entire life
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