I swear my cock is like a magnet to my friends younger sisters mouths.
Remember...the emancipation proclimation is your favorite document, you love asian women, japanese food is the tits, and you willfully employ as many latinos as possible...
I'm hiding her cosmo magazine. the only sex tip she needs is to not handcuff her boyfriend to her roommates bed and lose the key
Also while I am being the bigger person I plan on bringing over something strong smelling and/or alcoholic to torture the poor hungover bastard
I also just told a guy I was available for counseling in case he needed to 'bang' things out. I've become a monster.
What not to say at an interview: i can wrap the shit out of some food.
In case you wake up wondering why your eyes hurt... You were claiming to be Zeus and that mortal weapons couldn't harm you. Some chick took it as a challenge and pepper sprayed you. Sorry dude.
Don't worry, the house smells like waffles more than sex
As soon as he came we went to Dairy Queen. That drive through lady was very condescending about our "just fucked" ice cream.
I think curling is the best thing to watch when you're baked.
ORGASMS AND PIZZA
PIZZA AND ORGASMS
Thanks again for the coffee and orgasms
He said he doesn't "believe" in cuddling. Can you come get me?
Dear Ex-Sister-in-Law, I never thought I would say this, but I just found your panties in my back seat. Please remind me to give them back.
Why am I not drinking beer at 8:26am is the question
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