I walked into cold stone and the guy started preparing a supersized birthday cake remix for "Mrs. Munchies"
Just spun two beer bottles and Placed them in my pockets perfect... I feel like the clint eastwood of drunks
He keeps the condoms in his bible. I guess stairs or elevator, we're getting to hell one way or another.
drunk me just left notes all around the apt to remind shitfaced me that i have mashed potatoes in the fridge. do not take them down if you come home before me.
Hey so summary of last night. I threw up in a rain boot then tipped it over on my bed, did my laundry and passed the fuck out. I feel like I didn't see you.
Apparently, I showed up wrapped in caution tape and immediately jumped on the stripper pole and started making very sexual gestures at the birthday girl. We lasted ten minutes.
He should get nipple rings. No homo...I actually don't think there is a way to make it non gay.
Yeah you should have just let that thought go.
Oh okay. That's fine. I'll buy us both dinner when you bail me out
It's a post jail date
Nothing like snapchatring dick pics to a\nMarried woman while your girlfriend destroys Taco Bell in the next room. Almost caught, worth it. Got boobs back
Just woke up in my fuck buddies bed with, from the looks of her ass and side boob, a girl that is not my fuck buddy. This should be interesting
Just an FYI you do have to wear pants to lunch
He surprised me with a puppy tail butt plug in his ass and wants me to fuck him
My saturday night consisted of sewing my Halloween costume and watching Blues Clues
You actually...sewed your costume?
why is there glitter IN my vagina????
I'm seriously scared right now. Woke up next to 3 geese and a lot of feathers ..
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