I think tonya harding is in my dwi class!
Ask her how she and Jeff Gillooly split the cats after the divorce.
Wife passed out. Doing shots with the hot bartender... Don't tell me I don't know how to celebrate a 1yr anniversary
If by any chance I go to the hospital make sure you stuff a pint in my pockets so I can keep up.
My roommate didn't flush after her miscarriage. Time to drink myself blind. I need you for moral support. Or so I don't have to drunkenly cry alone anymore. Whatever, help.
I think ppl see us as an unstoppable drunken force
We should reintroduce naked Mondays
After he came all he could say was how great the lighting fixtures where in my apartment.
Got him to take a shot from the drip pan on the George Forman. He's gone now.
Just pretend you're riding a unicorn through space. Thats how I deal with the stirrup situation at the gyno office.
I felt like in order for him to make it to mordor and destroy the ring, he'd have to make sweet sweet love to me in some form of hut or cave.
I'm stoned as hell watching the new Star Trek movie. My life is 110% better than it was an hour ago.
Props to the guy blatantly doing coke in the bathroom at the bar. Walked out of the stall with a credit card in hand, sniffing loudly and shouting "choo choo"
I'm not sorry for loving America more than everyone else
After this week, alcohol is mandatory.
He's a cop. Do you know how many times I've said fuck the police? This is my chance. I'm taking it.
Randomize
