:( I'm sorry!!!
sexual favors sorry?
absolutely not
It just feels wrong masturbating with my neighbor's cat in my apartment
One of my students in my 8am class brought me a Tim Hortons cup with a bloody Mary in it. Clearly, I didn't manage to look not drunk when I ran into him at Denny's at 4am. Who decided to let me teach?
Did we almost burn down the bar last night? I guess flaming shots were a bad idea.
My brain is like scrambled eggs. If scrambled eggs were trying to escape out of my skull through my forehead.
Why can't people give useful wedding gifts...like sex swings or Nutella?
How have I seen you throw up on yourself 3 different times, yet we weren't Facebook friends until I accidentally hooked up with your ex?
Why are friend nudes not more of a thing? My tits look awesome right now.
I've got 3 hot dudes surrounding me. It's the Bermudick Triangle.
I woke up with a captain's hat on my desk.
if jesus wore shoes made out of pure flavor and hurricane kicked u in the face thats how it feels to eat pizza bites right now
Dude I'm fucking tired of freshman, there are god damn teeth marks on my dick again
It's taking all of my will power not to chug this margarita. This must be the life of an adult...
I am the image of restraint, it's why im just hungover and not in the hospital
Always great to be boarding a plane when you realize that what you thought was gas is actually very untrustworthy
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