May have finally hit rock bottom...bouncer from the strip club informed me I wore the same shirt last night
I'm youtube-ing children's choirs. Am I adorable? Or am I a child predator?
Predator. Straight up.
stop changing my ringtone to people fucking, it looks bad at work
The savings from $3 shots still doesn't add up to plan-b
Look dude I'm sorry I used your bong to snorkel in my bathtub last night
The interviewer had a hook for his right hand I TRIED TO SHAKE HIS HOOK WHAT IS WRONG WITH ME
She grabbed both of our dicks in the pool then said repeatedly, "this is my dream, this is my dream,"
as of this morning I have officially vommed on the highways of 6 different countries. It's a proud moment.
Ugh. This is the type of hangover that all other hangovers want to grow up to be.
He just had a handle of vodka with ice in it yelling at people hot august night mother fuckaaaaa and was pouring it on his face
I just remember looking over and seeing you on top of him and us high fiving. That's when I knew we'd be perfect roommates
He was watching porn and riding a stationary bike in the living room
I just got woken up by that guy wearing a Krispy Kreme hat giving out donuts
I had mediocre parking lot sex last night so the night wasn't a complete bust.
I hooked up with a sophomore, passed out at midnight, and apparently drunkenly peed on Nicole's wedding invitation
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