I must have had a great time last night.. I woke up with coconut oil all over my glasses
You were face down, at your computer, surrounded by beer bottles listening a bagpipes version of amazing grace.
They're sharing a mixed drink at a bar with straws...its like a disney movie with booze
Just wandered into a surprise final. Only a surprise for me though. I wish I could say this is the first time this has happened.
she named my penis "gigantor the baby arm"
Standing in a circle of girls fistpumping to the word "hospital" while taking shots.... I don't see this ending well, but its fucking fun.
Some daaay... Bet your bottom dollar that some daaay you'll do that mollyyyy
Ugh contemplating vodka and chocolate protein powder as this Capri sun and vodka isn't really cutting it
The woman that sang I Touch Myself died today. There's only one appropriate way to honor her memory.
I'm on the job.
I bet, I woke up to you like naked at 4 in the morning shoving a sandwich in your face
how does someone with a Masters Degree leave poop in an ashtray in the sink? It just blows my mind
We literally solved our fight using cat pictures on Instagram. True love.
Well, I told him that it's not all about him. Then I gave him the best blow-job in the history of blow-jobs.
Why does everyone always assume I'm fucking their boyfriends?
You are fucking her boyfriend.
just took a pregnancy test before I went out drinking. if that's not drinking responsibly Idk what is.
Randomize
