Cut to me doing the walk of shame to work from a hotel.
I had the most spectatular hardon this morning. I think it was trying to reach you in Wisconsin.
Apparently I had an idea for a cooking show and then proceeded to throw cookies at people.
This titty bar has wifi. I just did FaceTime stage side
Haha...we lost by one cup to a guy w shitty facial hair. What makes me most mad abt the loss is that I could grow a better beard on my vag.
I gave up on alcohol forever for like 2 hours, that's got to be a new record
Nothing like cleaning dried puke off your floor to make you feel like you've failed as an adult.
drunk grocery shopping was not as bad of an idea as i thought, this salmon cat food tastes a lot like tuna
Dude. I tried to hide my drunk wounds from my parents. Response: "we were young once" and "oh god, did I raise a drunk?"
You are beyond drunk wounds. You have drunk battle scars. A true veteran of the sidewalk
Dude she tried to bite my face off last night, literally. I have never actually felt like a piece of meat until that point in life...
I'm trying to find some better sex background music so his neighbors don't hate us. This is tedious.
I think I might start referring to your vagina as a separate being now
You handed me your heels and said, "barefoot running is all the rage." Then you proceeded to run home.
For a second I thought he was going to give me an intervention
You can't give interventions in a bar!
its Niagara falls. its like international waters. You can get away with anything there
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