why did i wake up with a kid named Raphael in my bed this morning?
I dont know but you did call last night to tell me you found the last ninja turtle
she looked like the before picture.
u know how some weekends you just wanna go out and ruin a relationship? this is one of those weekends
before we even ate breakfast we'd found an eighth of weed in some old purse she never uses. it was gone by lunch
Our cab driver looks like Kim Jong il, and you're missing a fascinating conversation about Katie wanting to be carbon dated.
My sister was not impressed when she got here. I was standing in the doorway in my underwear drinking a beer. At 2pm. On a Monday.
Oh, I never thought you were a dick. You were one of the best morally comprised ideas I've ever had.
No no don't get confused. We do chemistry homework on Thursdays. We screw on Fridays. Other than that, Words With Friends is our only communication five days a week. We are NOT dating.
I'm a gay man planning my brothers bachelor party, and he choose someone else to be his best man. I hope they like appltinis and gay clubs. Bastard.
I told him to keep his feelings in his pants because they're annoying and to just fuck me.
The trainer from the tech college told me that I would pass the first aid course so long as I turned up sober. Challenge accepted
just won 200$ from the school for "liking" the anti-alcohol seminar. putting it to good use
how?
not even kidding, my fake id is arriving in 6-8 business days
She just kept roaring and saying Katy Perry had nothing on her. Wtf did she take?
Um that's okay I got up on the table at IHOP and terrorized the entire restaurant for a phone charger after I stole the whip cream from the kitchen and started eating it out the can
Okay I’ll say it... THIS MOVIE FUCKS
That’s probably the first time I've heard Little Women described that way and I love it
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