I bet they all look and smell like Amy Winehouse
He called me an ungrateful bitch because I lauged when he asked me "how do you me and a bed sound?"
Like I should be grateful for the 5 minutes I sit on top of him and stare at the wall.
I thought I broke my iPhone. I was almost as depressed as the day I broke my vibrator.
my history teacher totally just suggested that we record his lectures and play drinking games with them later so that we pay attention to the material.
She was eating whipped cream out of a plunger at 3 am in the morning. Yet somehow she still had an elegance about her.
you taught an eight year old how to shotgun a half pint of chocolate milk, that's all i'm saying
possibly one of my favorite moments was wiping it off your nose after you high fived a bouncer
Every time he asks me if I'm horny I'm just like come on...stupid question
And if I could both stabilize myself *and* pick things up with my penis... Well, I wouldn't be on the fire dept...
I was too drunk to remember throwing up so i probably didn't learn my lesson
Of fucking course I get my period on Valentine's Day...
It's his. I know, I'm pregnant with a genetic douche bag but at least he'll be pretty!
The party pretty much ended once she shit on the couch
Someone made a mask out of a crown royal bag. Can't decide if tacky or awesome.
I did not marry a roomba.
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