The amount of 12yr olds downtown right now boggles the mind. I can thank taylor swift for a glimpse at my future 3rd wife.
Woke up with my face in a bowl of cereal. This is tequila's way of saying fuck you.
the condom is still stuck, that's what I get for being responsible
Anything that comes outta your cooch is bound to be breathtaking
That could use a little rephrasing
Sexual tension squid is drowning in the sexual tension
I think she's going to be dangerous to drink with, but I'm ready for the adventure.
I would have been very attracted to her had she not been reading me my Miranda Rights
I'm going to be fiscally responsible and buy a handle.
And tan into my neighbor in the elevator. She was going to the gym. I was covered in mascara and dog hair eating a hash brown
Can I just go naked and covered in glitter?
I just met him at a place called the meat farm, Jesus be a shield.
How’s the date going?? Do you think he’s gonna cut your face off and wear it to his birthday party?
I'm not fucking any of these fools. But if they want to buy me Olive Garden, that's their business.
Yep, you're going to hell.
I take on this great possibility with a beer in one hand and the girl I'm gonna fuck later in the other
I puked on someone's floor last night and then they proceeded to ask me on a date.
Randomize
