Eric just called. Says he's trapped in a cul de sac because the road disappeared. Wants me to tell him what street has the bushes that whisper sweet nothings into you ear and the wobbling purple pokemon. Oh, and a "bigger and better" penis is growing out of his belly button. He took shrooms by the way.
i wish you could fill a pinata with booze
then I woke up and felt a boner that wasn't even mine. never taking 3am vodka again
her parents were awake and in the next room. i think i deserve a big fucking medal for that orgasm.
You put your shot glass in your waistband and then told me how convinent it was.
Just your daily reminder that we're terrible people: the average number of men a woman sleeps with in their lifetime is 4
We should drive around in your Jeep on snow days and get stoned while we help random strangers stuck in the snow. So much good karma.
Also I just had a flash back ... He told me I have nice nipples and then asked me about yours..
I literally just biked home like I was on the last leg about to win the tour du France. Fuck diarrhea
I wonder if the fact that I'm listening to the theme from lion king gives my neighbors the impression that im tripping faceeeee
tell your brother to quit sending me his dick pics what am i going to do with them print them out and shove them up my ass???
I have finally found someone I enjoy for reasons that do not necessarily include his dick
Did anyone see us fucking last night on the giant turtle outside downtown Disney?
You kept singing "your gonna lose that girl" to him right in front of her.. of course you got punched in the face.
hes sooooo boring!!! I feel like I’m in a relationship with myself now. I have an 8 inch dildo under my bed, THATS how much I’m in a relationship with myself.
Randomize
