my one-armed grandma is doing the YMCA. you figure it out.
literally every day that goes by where he doesn't talk to me makes me more determined to get him to have sex with me
Do you remember calling me a cuntasaurus rex last night?
i dont trust my judgment anymore so im only going to fuck guys who can donate blood at the red cross. they have standards.
Ahahhahaha I'm not that stupid but then again I thought cabo was in Africa until yesterday
I just want to hug my vagina but I can't!\nLike, I want to wrap my arms around it and say "I'm sorry"
Its kind of weird knowing that im only seeing you that day to fuck in some woods
There was another blizzard last night and at one point I was drinking 3 beers at once. Driving home didn't seem like a wise option
you stuck pieces of bread to your face with peanut butter and asked if it looked like you had a facial yeast infection.
ohhhh that's why they asked me to leave...
Apparently being drunk on a southwest flight and yelling "TURNUP" during take off is looked down upon in this state.
I'm not really sure if I peed the bed last night or if the cat was trying to get back at me for using her litter box last weekend
Just made a diving catch to save a handle of Fireball falling out of the car. ESPN worthy.
Our sub is singing "i believe i can fly" after yelling at the class this whole time and this is really hella weird
She’s super into those renaissance faires. But, if you can’t actually stab anyone, what’s the point?
I’m vetoing meatball margaritas right out the gate. We can’t have people throwing up again!
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