just met our mailman at a party, he asked me out. i said yes, but only if he picks me up in the mail truck. how jealous are you
My stomach is making the worst sounds, probably because there is nothing but semen in it.
Yeah! I got cockblocked by the blizzard last night. Lost girl on way to my apartment. Not a joke
you were carrying a trash bag around insisting it was your purse. I'll let you guess how your night went
We're not too concerned with getting her out of jail. We're on a mission for donuts.
apparently breaking a beer bottle and then throwing up in a urinal is a terrible way to pick up girls.
Hey did where's my bong?
In the tree out back .... Top branch on the right
Should I bother to ask?
I lost it last night. That was humiliating. Cincinnati is now covered in my puke.
I was lying there too hungover to move when my dog jumped onto my bed and set half a calzone on my pillow. Best. Dog. Ever.
It's like being the highest you've ever been, then doing about 20 shots, and chasing them with lines of coke. All while laying on the surface of the sun.
The US State Dept doesn't need to know I'm a high strung drunken whore.
If I never see my landlord's dick again, it'll be too soon.
I would say don't do anything I wouldn't do, but we both know I forget about my personal safely when getting laid is on the line
We shared a dick. We're practically sisters!
I have a bunch of bug bites on my ass... This is why you don't have sex against a tree in the woods
Randomize
