He left an unopened 12 pack of beer by my bed. I guess that's his way of saying thanks for the sex..
its 4:30 pm. In the mall. Just threw up into my hands. I love Vegas and Vegas loves me
Doing lines of coke with a $100 dollar bill off a 6in x 9in photo of your childhood self really tells you where you where you've gotten in life.
Considering showing up at your house with coronas. I'll be wearing a sombrero and that's it.
Party city is having a sale on maracas
the bride at the wedding we just crashed said we can stay only if we strip for her. You need to get down here
Boys should be on-demand - like, once you select one, he's yours for the next 24-hours
How the fuck did I get back? Last thing I remember is being on some hot guy's shoulders yelling at girls shaking their asses
We'll talk about it later...
A very confused plastic surgeon just called. Apparently I called asking how much it costs to get a vodka funnel installed straight to my brain...
By the way I peed in a mug last night cause you were in the bathroom and im pretty sure it is still in the kitchen.
Last night apparently I said "I need a break" and then I just passed the fuck out for 3 hours
Got promoted and on my way out the door was informed that my beard makes my face perfect for riding. Today is gonna be a good day.
and it's like......my shirt is off and he's talking about quidditch. why.
I'd like to have a moment of silence for all the dicks she's broken off
Please come over. It's a pajama and burn-2016-in-effigy party
Anyhow. He gives me orgasms and cuddles and buys me dinner and alcohol. Ill keep him around and cross that other girl bridge when we get there ha ha
Randomize
