It's 8:30am and I'm drinking.... this is a new low
Just asked what her favorite part of a guys body is. She said ballsack. I'm in love.
i just watched a video of two girls fucking with a banana and i thought of you.
i hate you
I don't know why girls would even talk to someone as drunk as I was.
I am seriously considering thanking Macallan 18 in my thesis acknowledgments.
All I know is when I checked my phone this morning google translate was open with "help the cow ate my robot" translated to French
It was at the same house, but a different party, when lesbians set me on fire. So there's that.
You've got to be fucking kidding me. Do you think "Husband drunkenly pees all over floors" is reasonable grounds for divorce? So pissed off right now.
I woke up in a bunk bed beside two Brazilians dude you have no idea how happy I was
You blew him?!?!
*Am blowing
And I keep taking breaks to write you back, please stop replying.
Currently rolling a blunt in the bathroom of Planned Parenthood
You know that episode of Spongebob where Patrick teaches Spongebob to be fancy? His dick was like that, only fancier.
My bookbag can hold 30+ beers. They shoulda put that on the tag bc its a big selling point
Wine through a straw in a subway cup.....classy
When was the last time you got laid?
When was the last time you came home sober?
touche
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