I owe all of my success to double stuf oreos and weed.
Stop. You don't mean that. Tequila might mean that. But you don't mean that.
Im at the zoo right now high out of my mind and feel as if the animals are watching me and Im the one in a cage.
What did I eat last night that was bloody?
Well the nurse forgot to take all my stitches out, so my surgical tools are peroxide, kitchen scissors, fingernail clippers, a pocket knife, and 11 beers. Let's do this...
Kayla got stiches in her face. Rode in an ambulance shotgun. Tried to steal a baby, thought it was mine
Someone shattered a urinal.
i'm way too high for it to be safe that i just discovered i have a fire extinguisher
I stole another quarter from the bathroom. I'm slowly getting rich drinking here.
He just broke up w his most recent gf again, wish I could message her and be like it's not you he's gay.
So, your mugshot picture is behind the counter at B-Dubs, with the caption: "not allowed on premesis."
After the baby comes, I'll make us White Russians with my breast milk. That will teach her about sharing.
Will you bring a case of beer down to the hot tub? Me and Phil don't want to feel feelings anymore
Your clever response has earned you a blow job this week
I told him it was fine and then I keyed his car.
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