I'm telling lies about you to make you look like a good person
Sex and the city 2 and twilight getting released in the same month. God hates mankind.
What?? I'm covered in blood at the hospital, I atleast deserve a pic of someones boobs
dude that bald bouncer just did a body shot off of brian and then kicked us out for trying to charge him for it
When you start quoting save the last dance you need to stop drinking
I swallowed for you. Answer the phone.
I know and I love you for your valets putting your thong on your seat
My contribution to the dinner party was a bottle of vodka and a bag of uncooked potatoes. I felt like a Russian serf.
listen. he fixes things. buys me drinks and sticks his penis in my vagina. age means nothing at this low point in my life.
UPDATE: IM NOT A TEEN MOM LETS GO PARTY
You FaceTimed your mom in the back of the limo telling her how many guys you hooked up with at the concert
She's eating hot cheetos out of the bag with chopsticks, Matt, how is she NOT my soulmate?
I’ve lost count of how many disciplines of science this conversation about Harry Potter has gone through.
I promised her before I left that I'd make good choices and then got drunk and fucked my best friend and her boyfriend.
So I was at my annual OBGYN appointment and when she saw the bruises on the inside of my thigh she asked if I had been horse back riding...I think my burst of laughter then awkward silence answered the question for me.
Randomize
