Well for starters i'm drinking vodka out of a bell pepper.
it wasn't THAT bad but he definitely called his dick an asshole and said sorry to my vagina
You kept throwing bottles at the dorm across the courtyard and when anyone told you to stop you just said "who are you? Al Gore?"
So you plan on doing double washing machine sex? Like. A double date. But with sex. On a washing machine..?
We lost track of him for only 10 min and he gets kicked out for sneaking into the kitchen and trying to operate the deep fryer.
I am listening to lecture and I can hear us in the background talking about anal beads.
I just found that video of you jumping onto my exercise ball feet-first and face-planting into my shoe rack.
it's not like this is the first time she's brought a guy home and I'm the one who hooks up with him
My only downfall is that I can only take shots in twos.
I don't think the best pickup line was. Hey I have never made a girl orgasm before but I'm sure it will work on someone like you.
This is the fourth day in a row I've walked outside in the same pajamas. I think the neighbors have finally given up on judging me.
You don't know being judged until its 7:30 in the morning and you're on 2 hours of sleep halfway between drunk and hungover wearing pajama pants at an international airport while saying how proud you are that you found the airport's bar immediately and how disappointed you are that it's closed
I am 5' 11" of pure, uncut Fuck Off right now.
The amount of guys I've turned down for you is disgusting... You better love me.
The guy at the liqiour store just said "Wow haven't seen you in awhile, is everything okay?"
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