please tell me if i'm home and in my bed
negative
come find me please
official worst smell ever. a used condom that has gone through the dryer.
My mom is helping me re-arrange my room to make New Year's more hook-up friendly
I can count the number of hours she's been sober this weekend on one hand.
There's a wake for a coworker on 420 during te time of 420... Hoping everyone will be too sad to notice how high I am.
I have an excuse to be a whore in Mexico. I'm conducting an experiment to see if small dicks are caused by the poor drinking water.
It's one of those days where you order the free Papa John's pizza so the delivery guy can bring you Coke to go with your rum. The tip was more than the order.
Hey so I just want to get straight to the point it was me who ate the last cupcake and it was your sister who I fucked last nigt
DAMMIT. BOHEMIAN RHAPSODY IS GONNA GET STUCK IN MY HEAD AGAIN. FUCK YOU OLYMPICS.
How do you ask the man who gives you multiple orgasms if he has friends who could do the same for your friend?
I made out with a 40 year old and told her we were dating then got kicked out of a gay bar. This is the day I stop drinking.
I'm pretty sure that cute cop drove me home. Especially since I found his card in my purse.
My moral compass kept pointing to his penis.
After we finish having sex, he smokes an honest to God pipe. It's like fucking a big, sexy Sherlock Holmes...
Vocabulary what?!? Shakespeare is my bitch.
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