I'm going to get drunk on champagne by myself.
Oh no wait my cat's here. Thank god for a second there I sounded really sad.
I swear to God, I saw my life flash between my legs.
i love how i spend my mornings exploring my phone to see what i did last night.
I swear that when I have my own bathroom, I'm gonna lock myself in there and masterbate for at least 3 days in sheer appreciation of it.
You know... If I put the same amount of effort into school as I put into giving women orgasms I would be a Rhodes scholar
I'm graduating. Then you'll never see me again.
We better fuck soon then
The doctor said 'youre the 2nd youngest person that ive seen with this condition. Thats probably not the silver medal you were looking for today.'
literally. a puddle of blood. on the floor. still searching for the source
You stared at the ground for like 20 minutes willing yourself to get sober
He laid on the ground 100 ft from the car crying about how he just wanted to be home already
Good. Sleepy. In the middle of a pregnancy scare. The usual.
I'm pretty sure he's playing the harmonica in my shower right now. I just really need to pee.
Im going to seductively wisper "that butters my biscuit" in your ear
Is it weird that the girl I'm fucking just wished me luck on my date tonight?
Bro I rebuilt the dungeon in animal crossing visit me
Broooo
Randomize
