I enjoy that i have a whole shelf of clothes that I've accumulated from random sex. You know the ones you get to make the morning after look less awkward like similar to an athletes trophy shelf
honey bunches of taint.
So I tried to call my phone from his phone and was like, "hey, my name is not in here..I thought you had my number" turns out he has my number saved as "gives good head"
how can i change my meal plan to a keystone plan?
you're acting like its my fault you're allergic to sperm or something.
i told you we never speak of that again
apparently breaking a beer bottle and then throwing up in a urinal is a terrible way to pick up girls.
At a St Pats house party. Just raised $110 for two short chicks to crawl into a dog cage together. Video forthcoming. Respect.
i just unblacked out cuddled in a pita pit booth with ten dollars rubberbanded to my hand.
Me and your penis are best friends. You don't know it, but I whisper my secrets whenever I give you blowjobs. We even have a secret handshake. We can't be separated from each other. We just can't.
This guy just tried to hit on me on facebook. His most recent listed education is middle school. This is my life.
If you magically turned into a tall white gay guy, ignore this message. If not, then I'm sure someone has your fb password.
there is a spider sitting on top of my weed like he owns it or some shit
no but seriously tf do i do? i have that spider phobia but i think my lvoe of the weed overpowers it
Do not try to steal a picnic table from a park, all you will end up with are sore arms and broken dreams.
Walked into the bathroom and saw a Minion eating out Harley Quinn so this Halloween will be hard to top.
I'm committing myself to dance. Also, I'm unsure if you said space party sounded lame because dude was old, but I hope you're over it because I love space, and I love David Bowie and I love to dance, and you need to embrace this with me.
Randomize
