JOSHUA! WE ARE SO BREAKING UP!
what?
YOU'RE DRUNK AGAIN, ARENT YOU?!
Well this lady at the bar told me I was a natural on the tambourine and that it was my God given talent. and then she gave me a tambourine.
This wedding is gonna be a disaster. I already had to turn down one of the groomsmen who offered me $100 to sleep with him next wknd.
Too low?
Yes.
You kept asking her which dick pills worked the best. She's a grandmother.
As we were passing the joint around, people were dunking Jenga pieces in Vaseline and sticking them to the window. I also smoked weed with a girl that was in an above the influence commercial.
Don't feel sorry for me. I'm getting Red Lobster and sex tonight. Nothing can bring me too far down.
It probably would have happened but I just can't picture myself losing my virginity while laying on top of his Quiksilver duvet set.
When we were all out of beer you took a bite out of the cardboard beer box and said "close enough."
I just want to have sex that doesn't end like a B-rated horror movie.
I don't have any plans for New Year's except watching anime and drinking until I can't read the subtitles anymore.
not sure if destroying him emotionally was worth it but damn it's a fucking hilarious story
I just moonwalked my socks off. THAT LAZY. THAT HIGH.
Why do I have a separate credit card just for booze? Because I saved enough points so Saturday we are flying to Denver to smoke legal weed and fly back in the same day.
like I'd leave you in a situation like that..pfft. what kinda friend do you think I am?
...a stoned one.
I just slammed a bottle of white wine before I came to Whole Foods so basically I'm just training to be a middle aged white woman.
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