Just got mistaken for a cardboard cutout ad in line at Taco Bell. New low?
you handed me your bra at the bar and said 'hold my purse'
Brutal- a couple weeks back I had a 28 hr blackout and four day hangover. S'why I decided to haul it in
You should see the damage i did to the apartment last night. So many broken things and butter sticks stuck to windows.No memorys
It's one of the many facets of my drunken alter egos. I'm like substance abuse batman.
you can hold your grudge or you can accept the alcoholic treats as a peace offering. your choice
peace be with you.
Can we have a celebratory fuck now that the lockout is over?
You're the best girlfriend ever.
Bad news: I found out that girl you want has a boyfriend. Good news: she'll probably cheat on him with you. Better news: after seeing the way she treats him, that's the most interaction you're going to want with her anyway. Trust me.
It'll just be like "PENIS HERE". In case you get lost.
His voice is like having sex with hot chocolate and then suddenly you're pregnant.
I will be going to walgreens soon.. nothing says trainwreck like pickin up a scrip for xanax at 2am drunk..
Packing for college has become a game of where did I hide my sex toys.
How's my sex life is me mastubating next to her dog. that's how it's going.
I think he bit my vagina. Who does that?
Which is worse that I came in public or that no one noticed?
Randomize