I'm either going to be a Playboy Playmate or take over the world. Either way the world wins.
between my moustache and how drunk I am it will be a miracle if I get laid tonight.
She accidentally pre-ordered us Dominos for the next day at 11:30am... we were very confused when we woke up.
I don't like finding out that my fuck buddy is a good person.
No, its ok. Im playing strip pretty pretty princess im currently dueling for the crown
Woke up with a raging boner...good feeling abt this trial
A surprise thumb up the ass and I'm wide awake. She was right, no need for caffine pills I could fight ninjas now.
The ultimate Father's Day bonding experience: Both getting bailed out of jail by mom for mooning some shithead cop.
What people don't tell you about near death experiences is they give you a full on chub
debating what would be more effort, turning on to my other side or trying to get myself off with my left hand. that kind of lazy day.
drying my bra with a hair dryer wasn't exactly how I had planned on starting my day.
I gave him a bj as a thank you for helping. I think that's good.
I NEED TO TAKE A FUCKING BREAK. MY VAGINA IS SMOKING.
coming down from speed on a 5 hour flight home from vegas is not a valid reason for calling off work the next day
so i said i had a yeast infection
Or is it distressingly heterosexual?
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