Is it wrong to want to cut a hole in the Tigger suit so I can molest you while I wear it?
he said he "kind of had sex before.. Barely" i think it was one of those situations where you slide into home and get tagged out.
I'm telling everyone at work the mark on my neck is a hickey but really I was taking a shit while straightening my hair and burned myself
My dora the explorer band aid does not cover up the shame i feel right now
you were just eating all his cookies and kept mumbling "them crumblies" when the crumbs got on your shirt.
Then she yelled something like "YOU HAVE SO MANY FORKS!" before collapsing on the floor
Somewhere along the night we ended up at a food lion giving jello shots to high school girls.
Bloody Mary Monday just took a turn for the worst... Just had a heart to heart talk with the cat about it's obsession with chewing on cardboard.... Time for a nap.
Your friend, the one I told I would brush his teeth with my tongue, what's his name again?
I'm looking forward to the release of my future best seller - "Three Words to Make Your Relationship 100% Better: Surprise Blow Jobs"
I just power smoked 3 bongs, ate hot cocoa mix before making hot cocoa, and realized James Spader's character on The Office reminds me of your mom.
Next Halloween I want us to dress up as jockeys, get drunk, and ride a carousel all night until we throw up or declare a winner
Any recommendations for how to tell your wife about the pics of her 19 yr old sister on a porn site without admitting you were surfing said porn site?
I'm looking for whatever I can find, and afford without having to eat my emotional support cat
I'm really sorry I called you a "smug, arrogant, boyfriend-fucking piece of defecation". I was super drunk.
I was going to be mad, but then I remembered you don't use autocorrect and spelled everything correctly and I was kinda impressed.
Randomize
