cant believe you said you would bone perez hilton
i said paris hilton
thats even worse
Dude if you're in another zip code it doesn't count
You don't understand. I'm not like you.
I wasn't interested in him...but then he played The Office theme song on acoustic guitar. I'm sorry.
This girl told me she was a virgin the other day. I felt like I was talking to a unicorn.
She punched my vomit. In midair. Back into my mouth.
I need a leash, or some shame. Maybe.
Where are you? This girl fell on a baby. She is just gone. Please Hurry
I'm hurrying
Dude. She just shit herself.
Just had my ass outlined on a bar top with permanent marker and then they carved the imprint into the wood with a knife. I'm famous in the country!
Received a verbal warning at work for "riding in a trash receptacle, violating professionalism & infection control."
How was the party last night?
There's a mountain bike in the middle of our apartment. No one will claim it.
I'm going through a really dark time right now
I don't want to hear it man. I just jerked it to a pic of my ex wife in a bikini. Buck up
these are times I'm glad I'm Jewish because the Torah is just like "drink, eat, and fuck"
I had a dream involving the worlds smallest pony, an asphalt volcano, and jimi hendrix. Never smoking 3 bowls before bed again
You've got the chocolate, drugs and my pants. You hold all the cards...
Yeah well I fucked my ex on a sink last night soooo booty calls for us all
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