Dude, I woke up at my ex's house. I am spooning her half naked roommate. There is a pizza on my shoulder. I need you to come pick me up.
I would have at least made out with you if you were showered.
so I was just driving high and I stopped to let a pinecone cross the road because I thought it was a hedgehog.
my vagina is like the nba. its where amazing happens.
NEWS FLASH: A bottle of wine can fit into a taco bell cup.
I awoke in a cab to find myself on a ride to niagara falls. Apparently I paid the cab driver half up front.
Heading to the gym, the one that guy said he goes to. Already checked online, his class is at 5. And no, this isn't too much after meeting him last night. Stop judging me,
traded hat for shot of whiskey. lovah yo life. only ADVENTURE NOW. OH GOD IT WENT TO CAPS LOCK
At our floor meeting the RA was talking about bathroom hygiene and I really wanted to be like "what about shower sex."
Valid question
Nothing like hearing "I found your pinky nail" before you even noticed it was missing.
Why are there jello shots in the kitchen drawer?
Now all I want to do is stay up, drink wine, and look at dragons.
Well I only snuggle him I don't hump him. That's rude.
I've been trying to fall asleep with ice packs covering my vagina for the last hour... Sorry for being vulgar. I'm going to kill myself.
Too high to wash a dish but just high enough for a kitchen fire
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