I passed out in the cab. Woke up to the cabby yelling SIR SIR WE ARE AT THE TRAIN STATION!! SIRRRR!!
Its mothers day and I have choke marks around my neck. Thanks for that.
he was terrible at kissing, so i just kept letting him motorboat me. he seemed very pleased with my choice
i would eat my own dick if it were covered in nutella
But besides the pee thing, he sounds like a nice guy.
i was staring at her drunk thinking "shes at least a four"
i don't think they understood the house was collapsing. they kept dancing and jumping and asking for more cups.
Just watched my roommate stuff a sandwich in his pocket because we're out of paper plates.
I didnt say frisky time, just alone time, to chat, or watch a show, or stare into one anothers eyes, or souls, or asses, whatever you straight people do
I replaced his Viagra pills with sleeping pills.
You caught me at a bad time. I'm stoned enough that I'm ready to sleep but also not stoned enough that I wanna smoke again but also stoned enough to not wanna drive anywhere
New holiday tradition. Eat all the Xanax in the am, then wake up later after festivities and eat all the leftovers
Wait wait wait. You are actually taking advice from this lunatic?
This is the girl who got a balloon full of cocaine through security no questions asked. Of course I'm taking her advice.
Valid.
He just sprayed AXE in his mouth to get rid of his bad breath... THAT DRUNK
one week and then i'm back on the sexual grind. a party is being planned in my vagina's honor
Randomize
