Will you take my knitting needle, stick it far up my nose, reach in my frontal lobe and give it a few swirls?
if you dont talk to me in person you cant text me
Dry humping a girl for an hour and then jizzing in your pants doesn't count as losing it.
maybe i'll see you again later :)
I'd rather shit a knife.
I don't know what part of vegas I'm in but its definately the wrong part
We can't all go after the girl with the low self-esteem
I should probably file for unemployment. Sometime between last night and 4 AM I facebooked my manager the lyrics to hoe by ludacris. I'm just projecting ahead here.
Well the police had to intervene and I couldn't exactly feel my legs by the end of the night, but I'd say it was a successful Friday night.
FYI: telling a guy his dick is more impressive than you remembered it - they don't take it as a compliment.
I woke up this morning with a pop tart under my pillow with one bite eaten. Another pop tart was in the floor. No recollection whatsoever. I ate the one under my pillow for breakfast, though.
I'm 10 cats away from completing my post divorce transformation.
What did the sign say that bob stapled to his ass?
My mom just came upstairs handed me an Adderall and asked if I could help her wash the ceilings
I know its 2 in the morning and everything. But i just straight up yelled "DON'T YOU UNDERSTAND THIS WORLD IS DIFFICULT ENOUGH AS IT IS WITHOUT YOU PULLING THIS BULLSHIT ON ME" to my taco. Because it fell apart on me. I think i might be cracking under this finals pressure.
In any case. I fucked a married couple recently. Know what a straight person would've done there? Been super weirded out by 1/3 of the genitals there, that's what.
Randomize
