I dont shave on purpose to keep myself from being slutastic!! it usually works
Just woke up in bed, AC on high, with a fresh pack of smokes, an unopened pint of vodka, and a bag w a beef patty w cheese in it. I think my roommate's like the toothfairy or something. Or that was way more Xanax than I needed.
when a girl feels in her heart, the way she feels in her vagina, anything is possible.
We did a shot for each one. Father... son... and holy ghost. That wasn't enough though so we moved on to toasting dead relatives.
Of course I'm hard in the pics. If there's a chance that these pictures will cause a scandal later in my life I at least want my dick to look it's biggest
Just put your hair in a bun. We're going out to drink, not to impress people.
My cab driver just started a conversation with "Three years ago I pleaded guilty..." Check on me later tonight please.
Me and a 30 year old man are sitting in my bathtub in swimsuits drinking straight rum from the bottle. Don't tell me how fucked up your Christmas is.
Is it considered a bad morning to find your boss half naked in the parking lot of work at 7am?
That depends, how hot is your boss?
oh my god. picked the worst day ever to not wear underwear...
I'm just gonna stop you right there because there is, in fact, no such thing.
Just saw a government minister puke and rally.
It's like the drive of shame on fucking Christmas. Happy birthday Jesus
If my life today were a movie the subtitle would be: Revenge of the Beer Shits
the insurance claim form from last night says foreign object removal from genitourinary tract so as far as the insurance company knows, it could have been a gerbil
Did we kick in my basement door last night?
Yes. I think you actually bought tennis shoes specifically for that application.
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