So now everyone thinks I don't know what a condom is
She asked me to facebook all the girls I'd hooked up with. She started crying when I started my search with A.
Wella between the drunkards, the inevitable slutty costumes, and someone doing a BODY SHOT OFF A PREGNANT GIRL, i lost my halloween spirit. Bah humbug.
By the way, i got bored and just started putting my balls on every object in your room. One at a time.
This has been your unwelcomed wake-up call, brought to you by exes united. Have a good day, to opt out please type "STOP", to continue but act as though they do not exist please enter "DON'T CARE" for random daily wake up texts by exes united please press "PSYCHO!"
I got to masturbate in Rome in a gorgeous hotel room. Don't try and tell me I need a boyfriend
Dad says your scarf isnt fooling anyone and u look like a douchebag, its literally the perfect time to tell him your gay
The bar tenders gave me the number for a "taxi"... It's just a dude with a van. In retrospect, pretty sketchy. Robert was cool though.
Is it bad juju to glue mini budda to the bottom of a shot glass
Right now, there's some ten year old kid getting ready to go outside and play basketball. He will soon find out his basketball hoop was no match for my car.
Swish.
Apparently I took a selfie with fried chicken at 2 am....I'm still trying to figure out where I got the chicken. I thought I was making mac & cheese.
I had a dream last night that I used a condom when I had sex. That's how I knew it was a dream
So why are your hands bright blue and have you seen my roommate.
Both questions will answer each other.
my dad just built a flame thrower.. you should probably get here
Drunk me is having trouble keeping up with sober me's standards
Randomize
