i would totally switch to progressive if they'd let me bang that girl in the commercial.
My Vagina smells like Nemo again.
I vaguely remember telling people they were not trash cans
I feel like this whole "telling that guy i have a kid to avoid him" thing is getting out of hand..
How so?
Probably at the point when i told him i was "Too drunk to drive" and "had to pick up my kid" all in a span of like 2 hours.
we turned his baptism video into a drinking game
i told my boss i want to eat her tits. 90 percent sure i'm getting fired
security doesn't like it when we pee on cars. or maybe just not theirs?
When we were finished I asked him how long it had been since he'd cum that hard. He thought really hard for a while before telling me his brain forgot how years worked.
I think I may be the only girl in the world that can say she has fallen asleep grasping a penis..... 3 different times...... 3 different penises
I just singed the hair in my nose trying to re-light a joint. now all i can smell is burnt hair. day ruiner
I walked into her room to find her sitting on the end of her bed with her heads in her hands talking to herself. She kept muttering things like "What? How? No. What? I don't --- How?" $10 says she's pregnant.
I'll see to your $10 and raise you $40.
when I was walking home I wad so excited to see a cat on the sidewalk but it was really a traffic cone
I no longer need a flask. I need a canteen.
She's asleep in a fisher-price toy car
Dude. Don't do acid and go to Disney on ice. Hear my warnings. That snow monster will fuck your shit up.
Randomize
