my ex just saw me in his brothers bed. fuck yes revenge feels good
look out your window.... he's holding his iphone up like a boombox playing you beach boys
She posts like 3 statuses a day pleading for pity. Responding positively would be like giving a dog a treat for shitting on the floor.
Someone changed my text signature to "Also, I think I might be gay" last night. Also, I think I might be gay
Just bought a disco ball for 5 dollars, of course we're drinking tonight.
Just to be safe, you should be prepared to jump out of a second story window
I'm crying, drinking alone and applying for jobs tonight. I figure the alcohol will lower my job standards.
ALSO, bringing a stapler to the bar is a good idea
Annabeth just got on the bar and slurred something about how she was worried that when she started dating you your penis wouldnt fit. You are one lucky bastard my friend.
I may wear a condom to jerk-off tomorrow knowing that my hand has touched surfaces in this bar.
Pretty sure the shower sex fucked up my hip alignment... im walking like im 104 today
This is a whole new generation of premature ejaculators
Also if i get drunk and start crying about the elephants you all have my permission to abandon me.
Amanda, I can 99.9% assure you i'm probably never going to bang your mom
I DON'T LIKE THAT SENTENCE
Remember that time we were together? Yeah, I don't miss that.
Randomize
