a hangover this bad deserves a feeding tube
is it sad that i think every plant i pass on the highway looks like a plant from farmville?
She went to the bathroom before i broke up with her so i changed all 2500 of her songs on her computer to "I'm a cheating whore"
I got a job at a micro-brewery. Now who made the bigger mistake, them or me?
The difference between what I would do for a regular Klondike bar and an Oreo flavored Klondike bar is astounding
I need to stop fucking people before I get to know them
I think a used vibrator from amazon.com is a great valentines day gift foe my ex.
Theres a picture of you standing next to a John Wayne cardboard cutout that says dont drink and drive. your buddy is shirtless holding a beer and youre holding your keys up with marker on your face.
We made out for three hours. Then she said she didn't sleep with redheads and left the party. So yes, I'm still drinking.
She barfed in the corner of the baby pool. Then she yelled "it's okay" repeatedly while trying to scoop it out.
I always enjoy the bewildered gaze as I buy chips, salsa and beer @ 0745.
Do you think drinking vodka, rum and sourpuss out of a water bottle, in a class that isn't even mine rude?
i hate going to her parties because i always know everyone there which means everyone knows my ex which means i wont get laid
What's the polite way to tell someone she's a grown ass woman and she needs to start acting like it.
I feel like too many of my sentences start of with "Hey, fuckface!"
Randomize
