sitting next to michael phelps in the airport. wonder if he's carrying...
So from the residue on my balls I think it was mashed potatoes she had in her mouth
Apparently I confessed my love for him last night. Also, my love for cash4gold commercials.
I enjoyed our heart to heart in the trunk on the way to the stripclub
Some girl, somewhere, is going to wake up with my face paint on her vagina
I got carried out by security last night. AND the taxi had to drive up onto the sidewalk to get me i was that drunk.
She wants me to spank her and yell "Kerry! Your father is disappointed with your choices!" Fuck up but crazy hot? Or just fuck up crazy?
I understand that just don't try to seduce me while making frozen pizza again.
There is an alarming amount of food in my bra.
I just jerked off in front of my dog to make him jealous of my thumbs. There are consequences for stealing the last cheeto!
Peanut butter and whiskey is not a dinner
Woke up this morning with girl, I ask her for some gum. She says "there's a guest toothbrush for the boys in my bathroom". I can't decide whats worse, that she has a shack brush or that I actually used it
Is it a bad sign starting the new year off naked, wet, and alone?
Asking for a friend of course
Just a little. Like do I say "hey I'm the girl that's fucking your son, nice to meet you"
Turns out my GF and my FWB have a mutual friend. Yada yada yada, I need to crash on your couch
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