Sometimes, when I'm driving alone I talk to myself in a Russian accent so I think it's my mommy and it calms me down.
Come put a leash on your gf. She just challenged 8 cops to a wrestling match for 'tag team champion of the world'
she ate the whole pudding cup using only her tongue. i'm considering going lesbian for her
And by hung out you mean you were in my bed for 5 minutes while your penis was in my mouth.
You claimed your dick was a divining rod, spun in a circle 3 times and walked into the bar you stopped in front of...consequently there was a bikini shoot going on
I want him to come over and snuggle with me but put a bag over his head. Is that rude?
It's not rude if you use a pillowcase that's softer.
you had a pretty long talk with your shrooms in attempt to make them not give you a bad trip, it failed
Why am I the only one golf clapping for the vomiting girl on the train who just fell of her seat into her own vomit
I was wearing the shirt my little sister got for her birthday when the condom broke. I finally have it back to her and told her it was bad luck
She's cute. And her snoring noises remind me of the incidental music from Jaws.
Thank you <3 he just looked at me, fist bumped me, and asked me what was on my titty....we may cut her off
Last night you told me you "were too high" and didn't deserve a hashbrown.
That moment during finals day when you either convince your teacher to let you out of the room or you shit you pants.
Thank you. I woke up with a beard hair in my mouth. Super classy.
It was a bad idea to take ecstasy with cats in the house. No animal likes being touched that much. Let me know how your eye feels tomorrow
Randomize
