I'm not a real person
I'm sorry, everyone knows that
you googled " I want to buy a live ostrich". I'd say you were pretty wasted.
I fell asleep to the sounds of them banging in the next room. It was oddly soothing...
Party at my house. Beach themed. Clothing optional.
Wouldn't that make it "Nude Beach Themed?"
I was stumbling so much, men walking behind us were shouting "don't hit the pole! don't hit the pole!" whenever I was near a telephone pole.
Get you some cowboy.
In that sentence you are the cowboy. That is not saying you should get a cowboy for yourself.
On a not really funny at all but kinda brighter note I've gotten really good at texting in hand cuffs
I'm fucking a man old enough to be my father who is also dating my boss. What have you done with your life?
Pagan metal show. There is a folk dance happening in the mosh pit. Also, I have no idea where we are.
He compared my blow job skills to finding gold treasure in a gold chest, so there's that.
Yeah she's a complete bitch. But I mostly hate her because she hijacked my fuck buddy.
Riding your boyfriend's dick for an hour then waitressing for 8 hours. Would not recommend.
You weren't stupid you just made an ass of yourself. It's called a birthday party. That's code for night of regrets.
I can't tell if my need for dick is more than my want to strangle him
My parents heard a lamp fall and crash and the dogs were barking like crazy so my mom got up to check. she found you peeing in a corner by the tv. And you kept shhhing her.
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