She said "Lay the fuck down and ill show you how its done. Ill get us both off." I did. And she did. Best words ever said before sex.
I like to melt taper candles in my wine bottles the next day, it makes my drinking trophies more classy, and makes me look like less of an alcoholic.
When you awake you'll realize that your car is missing....just know that I had it and becuz of your car I hooked up with the hot bar tender that looks like that guy from bay-watch however I parked it in a loading zone and it was towed...that sex was TOTALLY worth it love you
In his defense he just bought a bong like a week ago so he's still in that honeymoon phase.
You said that we all need to "head out like a boner through sweatpants and get fucked." Jager night was a success.
I got dressed on his front steps, peed on his neighbors lawn, then did a shoeless walk of shame home at 5am...
You can't have your cake and publicly stick your dick in it too
Until you can top getting paid to have women tell you to check out their ass, my job will remain better than yours
it's the amount of time you spend on preventing me from puking that really cements this friendship
Well sure, my hetero side is thrilled, but my gay side is soooo judging
Awk moment when I forgot to tell my hookup about visitor parking so he got towed
My goal is to have my roommate find me sprawled out in the middle of my floor naked and passed out. Maybe with some Alfredo chicken hanging out of my mouth. I don't know, we'll see where this goes.
I'm pretty sure I regained my virginity last night
He tried to do a JoJo pose and wound up breaking his wrist in the process. Truly a story for the ages.
We can have bacon on the roof while tanning
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