I just got a ticket for the snow penis we made in our front yard.
Dude, I just cut my asshole on the new toilet paper. If you rationed the grocery money to buy drugs, I better be getting some.
I'm sorry I kept calling last night when you wouldn't pick up. I'm REALLY sorry I sang "You Oughta Know" on more than 4 voice mails.
He compared my vagina to the first time he tried cocaine
I will now refer to my life as before and after I used Astroglide for the first time
He had to carry me to the car. But then sat with me and waited for me to sober up enough to have sex. He's a keeper.
He returned my car yesterday. Found a duffel bag with beef jerky, condoms, and a handgun this morning. Slightly concerned
attractive or not, he has more than one book on serial killers. i'm gonna get out of here while i can
oh yeah, there may or may not be a large boa loose in the house when you get home.
Guess who used an inflatable mattress to boat across a retention pond with brooms for oars and a radio and beer.
Hooked up with a guy that looked like Dean Thomas. Mediocre at best, but I stopped myself from calling him Dean in bed. So I got that going for me.
That awkward moment when the guy you were hitting on at the bar last night is a possible suspect in a murder case.
Dude, you ever snap awake on the toilet at work with that panicked, "How long have I been here?!" feeling??
Last night i walked into a gas station to get condoms. I threw them on the counter and the guy gave me a funny look because i was wearing a bra under an open cardigan and no shoes. I screamed "DONT JUDGE ME!" and he gave them to me for free.
There’s so much sex at the hospital I’m beginning to think scrubs were invented to make duty booty easier
Randomize
