You probably shouldn't be hiding under someones bed listening to them get head
Standing here next to my mom talking to my friend trying to act like he doesn't sell me E every weekend.
the dude from the bar called to tell his mom about me immediately after we finished PLEASE COME GET ME
Two words Indian burn...
What did she think it was, a shake weight?
I say we get drunk before the exam tomorrow. At least then we have a valid excuse for failing.
I'm just going to text him the word sex repeatedly until he comes over.
Did it work?
Duh, it only took 27 texts and 15 minutes and he was at my front door.
You said my dick was impressive. You thank someone when they say that. My momma raised a gentleman.
Thats like me asking what you think of antisocial polish guys with mysterious rashes
He tried to break dance on the island in the kitchen and ended up knocking over everyone's alcohol onto the floor then yelled "GUCCI" before vomiting
I just left and he walked me out and went call me if you're ever... Eh... Whatever. And walked away.
listen i get youre a daddy dom but that doesnt give you a pass to make dad jokes
You took acid last night and I’m up early to go to the grand opening of a new TJMaxx by my house. We couldn’t be more perfect.
She squirted. We were both surprised. I'm that good.
the funny thing was, all i remember was a liter of vodka and going to oneonta for the night. then 2 weeks later bam, i get a letter banning me from campus for the next 4 years. awesome convorsation with my dad to wake up to.
I'm literally trying to cool beer down right now in my car by putting it on my floor and blasting cold air on it
Randomize
