What are you doing?
High. Watching Billy Mays infomercials...
That guy could sell me cancer.
Are you okay?
Don't worry. Self-respect preserved. My speech was Grey's quality... I made him cry.
i felt like the dude nobody likes from the mikes hard lemonade commercial
I lost of the blow last night. Found it later in my bag labeled Fairy Dust.
You kept telling that ginger girl, "it's not your fault, it's not your fault, it's not your fault."
I understand why you refuse to be sober now
More or less binge drinking as a giant grape seemed justified
Just hook me up with your dad already stop being selfish
If she wants experimental lesbian sex, i call dibs
Don't try to sleep with work colleagues because he won't be able to get it up and you won't be able to look him in the eye ever again
PSA- Wearing assless chaps results in embarrassingly painful sunburn
Have a booty call at 3am, stopped for tacos at 2:30. It's 2:55 and I still haven't ordered but can't jump the curb to get out of line because there is a cop in front of me. What am I doing with my life?
We literally laid down in the back of my car and had sex in a parking lot and it was in the top 3 best moral-less decisions I've made.
Seriously, you just banged the guy that wishes his dog happy birthday on fb. That's fucking adorable!
He just turned down phone sex for hockey and I'm so relieved I'm fucking a straight guy that I'm barely even mad
Randomize
