Nob stitches i do do not bleed anymorr!
he pushed my hair back because he said it made me look like kelly kapowski and he told me to call him zach
So stoned I forgot I was masturbating and went to go get a cookie.
walked into the kitchen nd asked my mom what smells like tuna she replies" your sister" now i cant eat tuna...EVER!!!
how do flat chested girls get laid?
I fucked the bump it out of her hair. just had to let everyone know.
I need someone to get my backpack from the bar before class tomorrow. I have to give my students their papers back.
its the kind of pain that only someone with a fucking elephant on their head would understand. I'm never drinking again.
I just wanna go somewhere and not be judged for wearing spandex shorts that make my ass look like a slice of fucking heaven. Is that so much to ask??
You sat on a wall pretending to be a gargoyle before shouting "batman!" and jumping at me
I'm the drunk Des Moines deserves, but not the one it needs
today i was walking through gramercy with a dress bag from David's Bridal and a bag of McDonald's. No guy would make eye contact with me as I scarfed down my fries. I think I was mankind's walking night terror.
Next Halloween I want us to dress up as jockeys, get drunk, and ride a carousel all night until we throw up or declare a winner
It's like your tits told gravity 'fuck you, I'm fine right here!'
Nothing says "i love you" more than flowers and potatoes
Should I rub the neighbors amazon package in the dog shit they left on the front steps?
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