I think I won the penis lottery.
I positioned my bed perfectly so around 10 a.m. every morning there are rays of sunshine coming through the window in my room. Now i can tan while PTFO.
Hne relally is a cite oerfect gome. Nes awddddddddooooome.
what's the name of the guy at the bank you blew to get the lower interest rate?
um. wrong number, but good luck with your loan
No worries. It'll grow back. I mean, hey, my eyebrows grew back after he shaved them off. So it's all good.
Good for him. He wanted to accomplish walking across niagara, I'm hoping to accomplish not throwing up tomoro nite, we all have our own priorities in life.
it's like I can see my whorish nature reflected back at me in his wedding ring.
Because if not I was going to quote Ryan Lochte as punishment
Thank god I got my shit together
You had your shirt off checking IDs at the door and you don't even work there
the mexican frat downstairs started singing this mariachi song, then out of nowhere some dude busts out a trumpet and plays along. is this even real?
A big thanks to that bride-to-be, Her fiance and his loaded friends will forever hold a place in my heart for the generous tequila body shots on the couch at Henry's.
You're the common denominator of my blackouts.
I don't want to get pregnant doggy style. That's sad.
Sunday morning breakfast with the boyfriends family. I just puked in the stall at Cracker Barrell. Classy.
your mission the party friday: cockblock me at ALL costs. I've cheated on my boyfriend twice. I feel like three times would be crossing some sort of line...
and no, I don't care how how hot he is
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