Oww! U thought rug burn was bad! Fuckin carseat burn hurts like a mother!!!
Wtf?
Use the slutty part of ur brain.
guy from last night has fluorescent crocs in his closet. judging by the rest of his clothes he doesn't wear them in an ironic way
you turned on the Care Bears movie at 5am and kept screaming "I CARE"
There's an old bald Japanese dude on the metra next to me. He's drinking MGD on a crowded train, and rocking out way too hard to what may be the same Dallas Green song I'm listening to. Life is sweet.
Any time you start making pro wrestling references before 10 PM I know that I'm breaking up a fight between you and some muscled up frat boy you call Hogan.
Found him. He was passed out on the couch at the new place in a room full of burnt pizza smoke.
We met at my place after separate parties but the condom wrapper was red with hearts and said love. Does that count as a romantic date?
I have to take his virginity. It's what God put me on earth for. It's my life mission.
I am one Jewel song away from suicide watch
Also, I cannot stop picturing myself in a bar, 3 years from now ordering soda. Just soda. 30 pounds over weight and wearing a cat sweater. I feel like I'm heading in the wrong direction in life.
I told my boyfriend that the thing I missed most about him was scratching his balls for him.
He asked me if I want to play Uber Driver, is this some new sex game or is he drunk and asking for a ride home?
I know we're not on great terms here, but I need to know if you're still available for sexual activity...cause if not I need to get going on a work-out plan.
I think I came out of my blackout as I was ordering wine from the private wedding reception.
I hate when I'm sexting and I make a typo.
You just killed the sext mood.
Randomize
