moral of the story: I'm going to stab everyone
even in the morning, she still thinks my british accent is real.
Remind me that when I'm pregnant, I should NOT post vaginal dilation updates on my facebook. Ever.
A stripper just got mad at me for saying goddammit. She's in no position to lecture me on morality
From now on, just let me go home. I'm tired of hooking up with your roommates... Including you.
I just found out that AAA will pick you up if you're drunk for free if you're a member. How did I not know about this?
all of his pictures were taken on a library computer, how did you even consider fucking him?
Apparently getting dressed is an all-day activity.
Rush week is fine, only the t-shirts are white and if it rains, the frat boys in their lawn chairs will be treated to 800 freshmen girls in their first wet tshirt contest.
Welcome to college.
Wait is it okay if I still want to fuck the whole USA swim team or is that only acceptable during the Olympics?
I need to get a job that holds me accountable for something. Otherwise I wake upon Monday wondering when the booze store opens and if I still have a boyfriend.
A dude just looked at me like my drunk swaying was corrupting his progeny DUDE YOUR KID HAS A MULLET YOU'VE ALREADY RUINED HIM
I'm going to sleep with this bank teller and I'm going to enjoy it, just try and stop me
I'm praying to the gods of sex we both get laid this weekend. Amen. Love you
I left you a really long drunk voicemail and I remember something about a bat
Randomize
