omg omg i just fucked paul. i need to stop doing this kind of thing.
wait, who's paul?
exactly.
I just found your credit card inside the bag of chips
After grabbing my boob for a couple minutes he then decides to ask me if I was awake.
Playing basket ball at the park with random people that showed up at 1am. the division of teams is based on what drugs people are on
My professor laid down on the floor and told us a story that involved being naked covered in Vaseline with a pumpkin on your head. No lie. This is going to be a great semester.
Just got your message from Saturday. Shove all the kittens down your pants? Really?
I was emotionally compromised.
I think I met somebody from your birthday this past weekend. He said I held a push up contest outside the bar and told them I would make out with the winner. He said he won..
You were crying in a drunken stupor for an hour because "the new daft punk album didn't blow your tits off"
So unless we're getting married, I can't see him cry AND have sex with him. It just doesn't work like that.
I don't even care that it's before church. I feel like God actually wants me to have this shower beer.
I'll have a whole suitcase of emergency bacon with me obviously
You're right. Cause really... I'm in the back of his head. Even though what I said was better than "I have herpes"... I did once say that to him. So I'm like a reoccurring nightmare.
Dude, he danced with the dog that some random chick was carrying at the bar. Then the dog jumped out of his arms and ran away. THAT definitely deserves a drink.
He was walking around and kept offering the neighbors flamingo lawn ornaments shots of vodka.
Nothing quite like spending your evening singing Shania Twain I Feel Like a Woman barbershop quartet Style with some homeless guys outside of Keyport liquor. love Shania Twain. How's your Sunday?
Randomize
