Got separated, got a half bj, got dropped off in random part of the city, don't tell anyone
I have one brief flash of having his dick in my hand. that's all I remember.
Paddidles count extra in the back of a cop car
I just spent all my babysitting money on red cups and beer.
People still let you watch their kids?
You sprayed lysol all over me. You said that my soberness was infecting your night.
driving home I had the GPS in one hand and puking in the coffee cup
So no more sangria road trips?
I stuck my fake eyelashes to his balls after he passed out.
So it's ironically funny that my psychiatrist's office and my cocaine dealer's house are on the same street
My "lord keep me from stabbing a bitch" prayer has gotten a lot of miles today
I think I just got buffalo sauce on my penis. Is that a turn on or off?
His dick isn't even good enough to be this much of an asshole
Just did the "lost my phone, need #'s" post and I got a text saying "go ahead and save me as Ashley-DD because I know you will anyway. I think I love her.
Drunk me is having trouble keeping up with sober me's standards
I just thought you should know that you should be proud of your dick. It's pretty much perfect. Just, ya know, by the way.
This is your post bachelor party survival text. This a free and complementary service to make sure you are still alive. For alive, say yes. For hurting, say ugh. If lost, say help. If dead, please feel free to not respond. Thank you and we hope you enjoyed the party.
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