god i wish i could take a shit and a shower at the same time
im pretty sure that there was a mint leaf in my poop this morning. i love mojito season.
I'm drunk. And at a vegan cafe. You would hate it. Don't tell my hipster friend but I kinda hate it too.
we decided to do a scavenge hunt for ourself for when we walked back to our apartments. We hid taco bell behind some bushes. I think they are still good.
That dude you fucked three years ago just won Jeopardy
I tried to take a photo for proof but couldn't hold my penis, camera, and measuring tape all at the same time.
Romantic bubble bath turned into splash war. We can't be adults about anything.
I think that last shot was nyquil. Please come gte me. WINGS.
I may have just flashed my roommate as he walked in while my towel was falling. Now he knows what an American sized penis looks like I suppose
Hey. There is naked girl with "plz don't touch her. She just turned 21" sharpied on her chest. What happened last night?
It's rum buckets o'clock
Googled 'how drunk am I' and it was NOT helpful
Why would you call when you knew I'd be having sex!?
Why would you answer?
Sitting in the dr office she literally looked at my throat and goes have you been having oral intercourse
Try me, you 5'5 gremlin
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