I found the seven page love letter I had written you. I'm sorry i was so obsessed.
if this week's events in iraq have taught me anything, it's that when pulling out, always expect a mess...
got in a fight at the bar because some dude thought i was being sarcastic when i told him "sweet mustache". it really was a sweet mustache
The best part about the NBA starting up is I get to see Charles Barkley make a fool out of himself for 8 months
I mean, it's free alcohol, to turn it down would be a crime against humanity.
As long as you're not dating white guys again.
My sister was crawling her way home and kept asking us to carry her,then she insisted on grabbing at our ankles til she passed out, how was your night?
Any time you can't remember a night, and you wake up in a sorority house, it's fucking worth it.
Opened the apartment door and the smell of sex and weed literally slapped me across the face. Kudos.
Oh okay. That's fine. I'll buy us both dinner when you bail me out
It's a post jail date
I can give you five reasons its your baby
and I can give you 10 reasons it's not, but I'm busy so I'll just go with you have the wrong number. And also I'm a straight girl.
I responded with revoking his blow job privileges. Needless to say, he's learned his lesson.
Dear sober self, your keys are on the table in front of you the only way your typing this is with autocorrect goodnight love you
My "birthday sex" consisted of approximately 25 seconds of him going down on me in the shower.
Yeah but now he has a wife. It’s going to be different this year
So what. We’ve banged every Thanksgiving since high school. She just has to understand it’s a holiday tradition
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